By the time I give this to you, we will be divorced. Actually, the legal terminology is "dissolution of marriage." Almost, as if it never really happened at all. I have to be honest. I'm writing this on the eve of the meeting with the attorney to finalize the documents for our divorce. I had not bothered to read them until tonight, even though the documents were sent to both of us in May.
It stung. It hurt. It was painful. I bawled. And I was unprepared for the flood of emotions that came barreling after it. It's amazing how cold and clinical the finalization seems. One of the last things I said to you when we still lived together, and I was certain I wanted a divorce was, "Let's do this now before we end up hating each other." Little did I know things would go downhill so quickly and that there would be little to nothing left to hold on to. I did not expect for us to be warring ex's, cutting each other down, tripping over hard felt and deep seeded triggers at every turn.
Things I would really love to tell you, but feel it would just get lost in translation between us are:
I love you. I fell in love with you when we were young and full of ideas about this crazy world and how we would get through it all together. Our love was never perfect, but it was ours and I felt stronger with you by my side. Over the years, our love changed and shifted and even though I feel we expected that and were even aware of it at times, eventually it was just too much to overcome without one or both of us compromising who we truly are.
I hurt you. Deeply. And while I can never understand the actual depths of hell I put you through, my imagination casts shadows that follow me and remind me of my piece in this. I'm sorry that I created life-long questions that may go unanswered and resentments that may make you question other people’s intentions or motives. For that, I am truly sorry.
You deserve to be happy. And I want that for you. I want you to find the kind of love and happiness that sets you free. That embraces who you are and enhances your life in spades.
I appreciate and respect you. Since separating, and navigating life independently, I have a deeper understanding of ALL you brought to the table for us as a family. I know how difficult it is to work a full day at a stressful job and try to come home and be present in the family and to also upkeep the home. Thank you for busting your ass to always take the best care of us as a family.
I’m sorry. For the way things played out. I am sorry for my actions that broke our vows. I took the cowardly way out instead of facing the problems head on. There is no excuse and I have to own my actions. While it is unfair to even ask for your understanding or forgiveness, it is my hope that someday you might be able to see that I was hurting, too, and I just didn’t know any other way. In life, we tend to look back and see that hindsight is always 20/20. I wish things went down differently. But when one walks through pain, it often leads to change. And I’d like to think that our pain was not all in vain. I like to think that we are going to continue this journey to becoming the best people we are destined to be.
You gave me the greatest gift. Our children. And perhaps this is what it’s all about. We almost didn’t get the opportunity to be parents. It is not something I take for granted. We suffered the loss of two angel babies and had a journey to parenthood that was not mapped. It was full of dramatic highs and lows. But when I look at our children, I see the very best of you and the very best of me. And it happens to make for two of the very best little human beings on the planet. For that, I am eternally grateful. It’s not easy. It has never been easy. And even though our split has been hard on everybody, I can’t help but believe that we were chosen to be these boys’ parents. There was no accident in us being a family.
We do not have the friendship that I hoped we would walk away with. Since our split, our relationship continues to morph and change. I can only hope that it continues to evolve and that we move forward with grace and dignity. Not only for the benefit of our children, but for our own growth, happiness and peace of mind.