Girl Gone Authentic: I never knew it could be like this

Updated: May 25, 2020

If you’ve been reading my blog posts, you know that I recently got married for the second (final) time. I was 28 the first time I got married, and I had just turned 46 when I was married again.

When I married my first husband, we had been a couple for almost 8 years. We had been living together for almost 7 of those years. We had two children together. Neither of us had been previously married.

I was the one who wanted to get married. When we first moved in together, he talked a lot about getting married, and I’d never imagined myself living with someone outside of marriage (or at least engagement). My younger cousins, my best friend, etc., were all getting married, and I’d been with my ex-husband much longer than some of them had been with their spouses.

I heard about how great marriage was, and I truly thought that I was missing out on something wonderful because my ex-husband stopped talking about us becoming husband and wife. I was starting to become resentful.

When we finally got married, my first thought was, “This is it?” Nothing felt any different than it was before we tied the knot. I didn’t feel any different about my ex, about our relationship, about myself, etc. I was expecting to feel more “united” as a couple since we were legally married, and I was surprised and disappointed when this didn’t happen. I felt ripped off! My ex-husband refused to wear a wedding ring, and in return I refused to change my last name. This was in our newlywed phase!

Eventually, I just figured that being married doesn’t really mean anything from an emotional/mental standpoint. I assumed it was all just a sham, manufactured by the media, by merchants trying to romanticize marriage to get people to spend money on weddings, etc. I became cynical about spending the rest of your life with one person, legally tied to them.

We divorced, and I promised myself I’d NEVER get married again. I went on a sexual spree, fucking whoever I wanted without any thought of commitment, marriage, etc. I could have kept this going forever (I’m not the type of person who needs an emotional commitment/attachment to have sex).

But then I got together with David. Still, I didn’t want to get married (I’ve written about this in previous blog posts). When I finally decided that I would marry him, I still thought that being married to him would not feel any different than living with him.

We had been together for over 9 years when we got married. We had been living together for most of this time. We are raising his 13-year-old together, and we've both been married. Neither of us felt a "burst of joy" when we got married to our ex-spouses, so I assumed that it would be the same for us this time.

I was WRONG. We have been married for a little less than 2 months. From the moment that our minister pronounced us as husband and wife, I’ve felt different. I feel different about David, about our relationship as a couple, as a woman – I didn’t know it could be like this. I felt that I’d ripped myself off by not agreeing to get married to him years ago!

Even sex is better. We already had a great sex life before we got married, and I didn’t think that would change just because we have the piece of paper formalizing our relationship. I was wrong about that as well. It’s still great, but there is a whole new level to it, a depth of emotion that I never thought was possible.

Every time I look at him now, I feel like my heart will burst out of my chest. When he randomly looks at me and says, “Guess what? You’re my wife!” I just want to cry with happiness. I feel like I will never grow tired of calling David my husband.

I even did something that I never thought I’d do – I changed my last name! I know I wrote about doing this in a previous blog post, but I didn’t know if I’d go through with it when we got married. I have to be honest – even though I told David I would change my name, I didn’t know with certainty that I’d do it. When I found out that I could do the name change whenever I wanted (the county employee said I could do it right after the marriage, a year later, 15 years later, etc.), I kept it in the back of my mind that no one could FORCE me to do it.

Well, I found myself eagerly heading to the social security office less than a week after our wedding ceremony to start the process. David didn’t even ask me when I was going to do it; I just told him that I was going. He seemed a bit surprised that I was going so quickly; a part of him likely wondered if I’d really go through with the change.

As soon as I received my new social security card, I headed to DMV to change my name on my driver’s license. As soon as I received my new license, I went through the name change at work. The PROCESS was a pain in the ass, but I was HAPPY to change my name. I did not expect to feel like this; I expected to be quite sad. However, when I hear people call me by his last name (my last name), I get happy. We now call each other “Mr. Caldwell” and “Mrs. Caldwell” and make our kids gag!

I’ve become more domestic since marrying David. I cook dinner more often, I make his lunch for work, etc. If we could afford it, I would seriously consider becoming a stay-at-home mom/wife. I don’t even recognize myself LOL!

In short, I never knew it could be like this!