Updated: Dec 5, 2019
It's February so that means the spring wedding season is upon us. You have probably already received a Save the Date notice from your friend or family member (maybe several) and the invitation will be arriving soon.
Immediately start contemplating what you can do to ruin the entire experience for your friend and their partner. Or maybe you weren't invited at all due to space or financial restrictions, but don't worry! You too can participate very easily.
No? You don't want to do that? Not you? Never, you say? You're not that guy / gal / friend / Mom / Aunt? In the words of Cardi B: "Okurrrrr."
Here's what you can do to add some extra stress, anxiety, and expense to your friend's experience because, you know, getting married just isn't enough.
RSVP late, or better yet, not at all. Ignore it. There's no reason for you to even bother sending it back because instinctively and magically they know you will be there. Can't attend? Just throw it out as soon as you get it because they shouldn't have bothered researching your snail-mail address or wasting the money on a stamp.
Ask to bring an uninvited guest. This is a favorite of engaged couples everywhere. If it's just your name on the invitation, immediately start texting, calling, or e-mailing asking if you can bring another person along with you. Wait. You've been dating a whole two months? Even better! You should expect your friends to pay for the food, drink, and entertainment of complete strangers on their special day. How could they not want you to be happy at their wedding? Surely there was some error.
Tell your friend how disappointed, surprised, shocked, or pissed off you are that you're not invited. Make sure you bring it up every chance you can in the most awkward social situations because there is no better dinner conversation. Instead of wishing them well and saying congratulations, be sure to have them articulate several times why they had to limit their guest list.
You were asked to be a member of the wedding party so complain about (or ignore) your duties. I know you're excited to be given such a special honor. You're an integral part of your friend's wedding day, so the best thing to do is say yes and then repeatedly talk about how expensive everything is or how you don't have time to help or contribute. This is sure to endear you not only to the couple getting married, but to the other members of the wedding party. After all, someone has to cover your share of responsibilities so it may as well be someone close to the couple. Why on earth would you ever say 'Thank you so much and I'm so honored, but it's just not possible for me at this time.'? That's so rude and inconvenient so you should totally say yes even if you don't really mean it.
You were not asked to be a member of the wedding party so complain about this to your friend or to your mutual group of friends. I know, being friends with someone since 3rd grade automatically entitles you to some sort of elevated status aside from just plain ol' wedding guest. Be sure to tell your friend how offended and horrified you are. This, without a doubt, will make your friendship stronger and everlasting. Go ahead and be petty. It will be a gift your friend will never forget - and rightly so.
Ignore the reserved hotel block your friend set up to save you money and to ensure you have a place to sleep. In all fairness, this is usually the last thing wedding guests think to do. But to make your friend's day filled with even more anticipation and anxiety - don't bother until the very last minute - or at all. Surprise them with your lack of organizational and planning skills. I'm sure if you reserve after the deadline, your friend is going to want to hear from the hotel about how they did not plan properly. Better yet? Call your friend directly and ask for special treatment or an exception to the hotel's deadline instead of paying full price. A week or even a day or two before their wedding is the perfect time because they have nothing else going on at all. Go fight for that 10% off your room, boo. You deserve it so you do you!
So there you have it folks. Do your part to make it a day to remember for the happy couple.
To the happy couple: Some brief advice... do not sweat the small stuff. No one will really remember which flowers you chose, or the favors on the table, or what anyone in the bridal party wore. Your guests will remember the groom's face when he sees his bride for the first time, you both smiling at each other, good food, free booze, and great music. It's the experience people will appreciate and remember, not the minute details we tend to stress over. If you're dealing with any of the above from your friends or family - do yourselves a favor and cut them loose. It's your day. It's your experience. It's your memories that matter. Screw everyone else.